[{"bf_titre":"5 Things That Changed My Divorce","bf_description":"{{attach file=\u002214377327monicabielankochangedivorce1412628288.jpg\u0022 desc=\u0022\u0022 size=\u0022big\u0022 class=\u0022center\u0022 caption=\u0022image 14377327monicabielankochangedivorce1412628288.jpg (93.3kB)\u0022 nofullimagelink=\u00221\u0022}}\r\nLook, I know that divorce, generally speaking, isn\u2019t a positive experience, but in many ways it can be. Let me explain. Clearly, you\u2019re divorcing for a reason. You didn\u2019t work well together anymore and the marriage felt like a business relationship or the fighting was overwhelming, you were starting to hate each other, or maybe there was abuse of the physical or psychological variety. People divorce for all kinds of reasons. But doing something to improve an untenable situation or a circumstance that is negatively impacting any children involved is a positive.\r\n\r\n\u0022\u0022\u003Ccenter\u003E\u0022\u0022Looking For Divorced Singles? 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Well, being in the thick of separation and divorce, I\u2019ve experienced a thing or two and have nailed down five things that changed my situation from negative to as positive as possible, given the circumstances. Maybe what I\u2019ve learned can help you? Check it out:\r\n\r\n=====1. Think of the kids first.=====\r\n\r\nThat doesn\u2019t mean act like a jerk and tell yourself you\u2019re doing it for the kids, that means realize that acting like a jerk at all is not in your kids\u2019 best interest. Stop telling yourself it\u2019s the other person\u2019s fault, even if you feel like they wronged you in a monumental way and the divorce is their fault. How you act now is your fault, and arguing with their dad or mom is not beneficial to anyone. Even if you are absolutely certain you are justified in being angry, just stop. It doesn\u2019t matter anymore. You no longer need to be right, you need to do right by your children. If you think of your children first, before you speak, before you act, you will behave in a much calmer, positive way.\r\n\r\n=====2. Choose your battles and choose wisely.=====\r\n\r\nA lot of people going through divorce make the mistake of hyper-focusing on issues they tell themselves are super important for their kids, but the truth is they just want to \u201cwin\u201d the fight with their ex. I\u2019m going to divulge a divorce detail here that I\u2019ve never mentioned before. When my ex Serge and I decided to separate, I instinctively wanted to return to my home state of Utah. That\u2019s where I\u2019m from and that\u2019s where my family and friends all live. We currently live in Pennsylvania near his family, so he obviously wanted to remain here. Our kids are all young and have yet to start school, so I felt like the time was right to move and get them settled in Utah where I hoped to raise them with Serge\u2019s help. He and I had lived in Utah for four years before moving to Pennsylvania and he enjoyed it, so I was really pushing for all of us to move back there as it was also a place I knew I could very easily get a solid job in local news.\r\n\r\n\u0022\u0022\u003Ccenter\u003E\u0022\u0022**While I was still angry ... I also realized that, like me, he was only doing what he felt was best for the kids.**\u0022\u0022\u003C\/center\u003E\u0022\u0022\r\nHe absolutely refused to leave Pennsylvania. It got really bad, to the point that we were only speaking via email, attorneys were called and custody exchanged in a most impersonal fashion. It was easily the most awful period of my life. In the end, I stepped back and thought really, really hard about all of it.\r\n\r\nI realized how easily divorce turns so awful for people because I was experiencing my own stunningly crappy divorce in spite of previously promising myself and my husband it was going to be as positive as I could make it. But here we were acting like jerks, arguing about everything, consulting attorneys, threatening court action.\r\n\r\nThis was not who I am.\r\n\r\nSo I stopped. Cancelled my consultation with an attorney, agreed to raise the kids in Pennsylvania and refocused my energy on getting a job and renting a home here.\r\n\r\nWith that one decision, all the drama stopped. While I was still angry that Serge had blocked a move I felt was in our collective best interest, financially and otherwise, I also realized that, like me, he was only doing what he felt was best for the kids. I had to let go of the anger. It was hard. It still bubbles up from time to time, but he\u2019s such a good dad to our kids that it just doesn\u2019t matter. The kids are the most important thing here and now, and by letting go of my desire to move home to Utah, we are able to parent as a team and do things together for the sake of our children.\r\n\r\nI strongly urge you to reevaluate the arguments that are making your divorce bad, and if you can, step back and let the other person \u201cwin.\u201d Sure, I didn\u2019t want to live in Pennsylvania but I\u2019m finding more positives all the time. I live in a gorgeous neighborhood with cool people, landed a great job that I love, have taken up cycling in an area that\u0027s unparalleled in beauty when it comes to riding through the countryside, and my daughter recently started a top notch elementary school. In the end, it\u2019s working out. If I can let go of such a seemingly important decision as where to raise my kids, you can certainly find it within you to let go of your major points of contention.\r\n\r\n=====3. Never, ever bad-mouth your ex in front of your children.=====\r\n\r\nAs a child of an extremely contentious, awful divorce during which both parents said horrible things about each other in an effort to sway our opinion of them, I can tell you that the one doing the bad-mouthing is the one who loses. Kids aren\u2019t dumb; they see through that kind of crap. You saying horrible things about their other parent hurts them beyond belief, and you\u2019re the one that ends up looking terrible. Remember that. If the other parent spends a lot of time talking trash about you just smile and tell your kids you\u2019ll always love their mom\/dad because you wouldn\u2019t have your kids without him\/her. Period. Even if your kids don\u2019t get it now, they will someday, and they will be grateful that at least one parent managed to maintain civility during divorce.\r\n\r\n\u0022\u0022\u003Ccenter\u003E\u0022\u0022**Stop trying to win, stop needing to be right, just focus on your kids and positivity.**\u0022\u0022\u003C\/center\u003E\u0022\u0022\r\n=====4. Always wait overnight before responding to something that upset you.=====\r\n\r\nI\u2019ve learned this one the long, hard way. For most of my life, I\u2019ve reacted immediately and was the kind of person who speaks before thinking \u2014 and I always, always regret it. Recently, I have learned to bite my tongue and it has done wonders for me. A majority of the time, I let whatever is on my mind go because I realize it just isn\u2019t that important in the grand scheme of this new relationship I\u2019m working hard to build with Serge. We get along better than ever, and it\u2019s because we both work at being respectful and kind, and at not bringing up nonsense would upset that balance. It\u2019s not worth it. Our kids are always watching and, to be honest, I still love and care about Serge and don\u2019t want to hurt him in any way, if I can help it.\r\n\r\n=====5. Play the kindness game.=====\r\n\r\nThis is a little game I made up with myself during the time we were moving out of our shared home and into our own, separate houses, and it was such a success that I\u2019ll pass it along. Even though I was still angry at Serge for various reasons, I told myself he could have anything he wanted in our divorce.\r\n\r\nWhen you stop and really think about it, no silly possession is worth the argument that might take place over it. So many people get so caught up in arguing over bullshit: the flat-screen TV, a car, even the house. Take a page out of Elsa\u2019s book and LET IT GO. Because, really? You can\u2019t just go buy a new TV, eventually? Even if you have to move and give your spouse the house, so what? Just like I\u2019m finding positives about living in Pennsylvania, unexpected positives will start popping up when you choose a new path. Plus, the unknown is exciting! View it as a new adventure in your life! Don\u2019t fight to keep possessions and stay the same, explore new unchartered territory and use your separation as an opportunity to find a new you.\r\n\r\nTo win at the kindness game, offer to give everything to your significant other. You want the couch? It\u2019s yours! The car? Take it. Obviously you can\u2019t give everything away, but I think you\u2019ll see that not only do you feel a whole lot better about yourself but the kindness is contagious; the more generous you are, the more generous your spouse will be. During our separation, it got to the point where Serge and I were arguing over who would take things, but the opposite of how it usually goes down. You take this! No, you take it!\r\n\r\nI promise you that if you can flip the script, if you can start behaving in a way that makes you feel proud of yourself, regardless of how your spouse is behaving; your divorce will be far easier than it would have been otherwise. Stop trying to win, stop needing to be right \u2014 just focus on your kids and positivity. You will be a much better person for it and come out the other side, stronger and happier than ever.","bf_date_debut_evenement":"2022-05-13","bf_date_fin_evenement":"2022-05-13","bf_site_internet":"","bf_adresse":"And that\u0027s why, even though my ex has changed","bf_code_postal":"","bf_ville":"we are still divorcing","id_typeannonce":"7","id_fiche":"5ThingsThatChangedMyDivorce","imagebf_image":"","fichierfichier":"","date_creation_fiche":"2025-05-13 16:44:59","statut_fiche":"1","date_maj_fiche":"2025-05-14 11:21:21","bf_geolocation":{"latitude":"","longitude":"","geometries":""},"user":"185.107.162.250","owner":"","html_data":"data-bf_date_debut_evenement=\u00222022-05-13\u0022 data-bf_date_fin_evenement=\u00222022-05-13\u0022 data-bf_adresse=\u0022And that\u0026#039;s why, even though my ex has changed\u0022 data-bf_ville=\u0022we are still divorcing\u0022 data-id_typeannonce=\u00227\u0022 data-id_fiche=\u00225ThingsThatChangedMyDivorce\u0022 data-date_creation_fiche=\u00222025-05-13 16:44:59\u0022 data-statut_fiche=\u00221\u0022 data-date_maj_fiche=\u00222025-05-14 11:21:21\u0022 ","url":"https:\/\/poletp.info\/actulelab\/?5ThingsThatChangedMyDivorce","-is-external-":"0"},{"bf_titre":"S\u00e9minaire ACTUlelab","bf_description":"L\u0027objectif de cette journ\u00e9e sera de travailler sur l\u2019interconnaissance des partenaires (comp\u00e9tences, champs d\u2019action, organisation\u2026) et la caract\u00e9risation des communs (usages et points de vue partag\u00e9s)","bf_date_debut_evenement":"2024-10-01","bf_date_fin_evenement":"2024-10-01","bf_site_internet":"","bf_adresse":"14 Bd de Charonne","bf_code_postal":"75020","bf_ville":"Paris","id_typeannonce":"7","id_fiche":"SeminaireActulelab","date_creation_fiche":"2025-04-25 09:00:49","statut_fiche":"1","imagebf_image":"","fichierfichier":"","date_maj_fiche":"2025-04-25 09:00:49","bf_geolocation":{"latitude":"48.8490805","longitude":"2.3994796","geometries":""},"user":"66.249.64.171","owner":"WikiAdmin","html_data":"data-bf_date_debut_evenement=\u00222024-10-01\u0022 data-bf_date_fin_evenement=\u00222024-10-01\u0022 data-bf_adresse=\u002214 Bd de Charonne\u0022 data-bf_code_postal=\u002275020\u0022 data-bf_ville=\u0022Paris\u0022 data-id_typeannonce=\u00227\u0022 data-id_fiche=\u0022SeminaireActulelab\u0022 data-date_creation_fiche=\u00222025-04-25 09:00:49\u0022 data-statut_fiche=\u00221\u0022 data-date_maj_fiche=\u00222025-04-25 09:00:49\u0022 data-owner=\u0022WikiAdmin\u0022 ","url":"https:\/\/poletp.info\/actulelab\/?SeminaireActulelab","-is-external-":"0"}]